I always seem too lose at chess. When I was younger and played in the club, I seemed to be able to capitalize on someone else’s mistake or weakness. I could win fairly easily because I would sacrifice pieces waiting for my opponent to make that fatal mistake.

I remember in sixth grade we had a Russian exchange student that spoke very little English, we would play chess all throughout class and he would beat me over and over. I never got tired of playing him, a marvel for a child with such poor tolerance for losing. I would watch him and it was almost if he could calculate the board, where as I would focus only on what my pieces could do. He brought out his queen so early and devastated me with swift devastating moves. I took solace in the fact that I could always wipe the board clean and start over.

I think it was at this time when I lost much of my motivation. I realized that I didn’t have what it takes to beat him, nor did I even have the will to try. I recognized his superior abilities and I looked for unorthodox illusory methods of victory that never materialized. I realized that I couldn’t win, and I was fine with it.

I’m still not a good chess player despite enjoying the game. I’m not a good player in the game of life either. I know some would look on my successes and argue that they garner merit in their own means yet I know that I have merely scraped by my entire life. My own mother often questions why weightlifting is the only thing I have tired my hardest at in my entire life.

Depression grips my soul these dense sweaty days. I force myself to try, and work harder yet the true problem is I feel like I have no passion for this world. I feel already that I have known all I really want to know. There is nothing great for me to do, that god gave me above average talents across the board with no great direction to follow. Sure, I want more material gain, but I can’t take any of that with me.

Sometimes I feel like I’m just ready to find out what’s next. These bones are tired because my soul tires them. I often think that I don’t have much time left living in this society, that soon I will seek escape to somewhere unknown that I might find a purpose other than driving my body into ashes and my mind into abyss.