Today was one of those almost bipolar days where I felt progressively lower until I found myself prostrate on the carpet staring into the darkness. Now listening to some trance music as my finger painfully dislocated from a rugby scrimmage.
I got some news about not graduating until next semester because of a residency requirement and it really just crushed me. It really is inconsequential as I will be in Tallahassee at least until August anyway, I just had it in my mind that I was going to be done and it left me feeling like a failure. I know that taking six classes this semester would be a worthless form of suicide, yet I cannot fight the urge to do such.
I have this mentality that I will never accept failure but sometimes I just feel like my goals are meaningless and it is very depressing. It is hard to explain to others how it feels to look at all my accomplishments and see very little. I am a natural pessimist.
The only thing I know how to do is to work harder, and that is all that I will do. I often wonder if there are other people like me, old men in the bodies of young ones. I sometimes feel like I really do not care to see what is entailed in this destiny, that I would rather just see what is next.. I guess that isn’t really an option. Arrrrrrrgh!